Hi, this is Wayne again with a topic “My Depression IS Killing Me!”.
You’Ve probably noticed that i really haven’t been making any videos lately and there’s a reason for this and truthfully it was really hard to me just even get back in this chair and even film. This video um, a lot of bad stuff, just happened lately. You know. First started off with the death of jesus, who was like my best friend and my cameraman spent 15 years of my life right next to the guy he passed away. Then another friend of ours already passed away. Then one of my cousins passed away. Then my cat died had to deal with neighbor’s dog dying, my own pets being sick and just the depression just completely overwhelmed me.
It just completely. Did i’ve been pretty much unfunctioning? I mean it’s been. I feel like i feel, like it’s been almost a half a month before i even sat in front of this camera for a while and the videos are piling up and there’s work.
That needs to be done and i’m worried if i’ll be able to pay. My rent, or even make it this month, but that’s just it. The depression has just wiped me out.
Um i’ve tried everything. I mean i’ve completely completely cleaned up, totally, stop drinking, stop smoking, stop taking the pain pills, just everything and they started me out on some pills called wellbutrin and at first i thought these pills were working. There were a few days where i was feeling okay. Well, you know what i wasn’t feeling like killing myself today, so you know today must be an okay day, but then i got really sick about the seventh or eighth day into taking those pills. I got deathly sick. Just throwing up both ends. Just completely literally had projectile vomit for three or four days, and during that time it seemed to really throw my chemicals off even more than they were before um. I suffer from something called chemical depression, so i’m sure there’s probably other people out there who suffer from the same thing and what that kind of means is.
It doesn’t really even necessarily have to be a bad situation to make me feel depressed, my body’s not producing epinephrine, it’s a chemical that secretes into your body that allows for happiness, and my body just doesn’t make it whatsoever so that right there alone makes it hard For me to achieve happiness of any type, i know sounds hard to believe right, but it’s true all these videos, where you see me, smiling and stuff. That’S me just putting the forth this big effort for for you guys, because i you know i don’t you know. I don’t think really, you know, people say misery loves company, but i don’t. I don’t really agree with that.
I don’t really feel like dragging you know. Any of the people who know me out there, the people who watch this channel to drag them. You know down in the depression, you know with me. I just thought i’d make this video to let you guys know that i will be coming back, i’m just healing from all my depression. It’S just been too much lately, i’m just completely overloaded with it. It got to me: i’ve barely even been able to get out of my bed.
It’S it’s been pretty bad. My depression got worse than it’s ever got um every day. I’M thinking well, you know today it should just be the day that i just stopped being here and it sucks. If anybody out there knows what i’m talking about, if you felt depression, you felt like you know, the world would just be better off.
If you weren’t in it or you’d, be better off just not being in the world anymore, then you know what i’m talking about, and it’s a really you know it’s a really piss-poor state to be in. It’S really a bad place to be in i’ve been trying to break out of it, but i’m just i haven’t, really had much success whatsoever. I just know that if i don’t stop start, you know start working since i stopped working, i’m not going to be able to pay my rent eat or do anything anymore whatsoever and i’ll pretty much just disappear into the woodwork like many others have here. I don’t want youtube and i don’t want to do that, but i feel that that you know sometimes i feel like that day is you know fastly.
You know coming like a freight train. I don’t want that day to come, but when i’m suffering really bad depression and i can’t really eat or you know, do anything and it’s really weird when you’re depressed you stay in bed. But you don’t exactly really sleep, you kind of slumber, and there there is a difference. Sleeping is like when you sleep, you dream, you hit the rem state, you get rest. What i do is pretty much roll around in bed, aching in misery falling asleep. For a few minutes at a time and then waking up and then feeling just completely utterly unrested like excuse me this morning i woke up for.
Like 45 minutes, i had energy. I was like okay, today’s going to be, you know a better day. 45 minutes went by stomach, started, hurting, started, throwing up and then all of a sudden it was the same thing once again, just feeling terrible feeling, like you know, nothing’s worth getting up for and and it just it sucks to be this way you know we have Video card launches right around the corner. I need to test my video cards and get that stuff going.
It’S been really hard for me, um, so truth that matters, i’m just i’m falling behind really bad because of this depression, and i don’t really see any grand cure for me. I just don’t i mean i tried doing the pill thing and it just i don’t know. I think in the long run it made it worse.
I just do um for the seven days that i was taking, that will butron. I mean i felt okay, i was kind of in a way was making. I don’t think anybody else ever taken this stuff, but in a way it was kind of making me feel like i had taken some kind of speed or drinking like you know, a ton of coffee because i was literally like or it wasn’t like you know, being On meth or anything, we were like gritting your teeth and going and staying up for days, but you’re still just like you know, kind of like a deer in the headlights just like, and that’s what it kind of felt for me for that week i mean, even Though i wasn’t really depressed, i was just kind of like sure the heck wasn’t really able to get any work done and then, when i got sick, it just got worse and it seemed like afterwards not taking those pills and continuing taking those pills.
Just really put me off into a slump i feel like i’m starting to come out of it a little bit um. I didn’t spend my entire day today, crying rolling around in bed. So i mean, i guess, that’s really. You know really a start, but just the reason for this video is we’ll, let you guys know i’ll be coming back. I’M doing my videos i’ll start working again here really soon. I just the depression, hit me so hard.
I just needed to take a break from everything i haven’t really even been talking to anybody um, not that anybody really talks to me anyways anymore, so i moved here to kentucky, but that’s another ball of wax in itself. You know so so that’s that i mean sorry, i’m not making videos. I want to make more videos. I love coming here and making stuff and reading your guys’s comments and interacting with you guys, that’s like a major part of my life but uh right now.
I’M just i’m just kind of resting, my head, i guess the way you can put it. I’M just resting my head and trying to you know, get mentally better. You know for the longest time i’d say i had mental problems, but after going to the doctor and everything i don’t have any mental problems. I have emotional problems, there’s actually a big difference between mental and emotional problems. Mental problems mean you’re crazy.
You do crazy stuff. I don’t do crazy stuff, i just sit around and wish. Sometimes i just wasn’t here.
So that’s what’s going on um, i appreciate you guys. As my audience, you guys have always been a great audience. I mean there are the few occasional people out there who just love to come to the channel and say their negativity and spew their negativity. But honestly i mean: are those people even more unhappy than me because, like i’ll admit, i suffer from bad depression. But i don’t go to other people’s channels and go online and search out ways to put people down or insult them, and i know there’s some people out there who just come to the channel just to lay insults it doesn’t matter what i do they’re just coming To the channel to talk and try to put me down, that’s what they do. Their comments are obvious. You know it’s really obvious when a video posts for like two seconds and it’s on something that nobody would even give a negative and you got a negative. You know and all of a sudden, a guy giving a nasty old comment.
You know he’s just coming there just to spread that negativity. So i’ve tried my best to just ignore those people as best i can, because, honestly, their lives must be more miserable than even mine, although hard to believe sometimes, but they must be in an even worst miserable state than i am, and so i feel even sorry For them that they have to go and do that because, as miserable as i am, i definitely don’t want to bring other people down to my miserable state. I don’t want to drag other people down. I spend most of my time just by myself.
You know with my pets, you know and roxyroo. You know she was my cat. She was the longest pet that i ever had in my life. She passed out like you know and then died right after jesus did so. I’Ve had a lot of definitely to deal with and it’s been really hard for me, um, just the loss for me isn’t devastating and i’m just i don’t know. I guess in a way i’ve gotten really to deal with a lot of death.
So i’m lucky in that respect, but i wasn’t also really prepared mentally to deal with that stuff either. So it’s been really hard. So please forgive me for not making videos i’ll be back soon. I’M trying to get over this depression if you’re a person out there. You suffer with depression as well. You know exactly what i’m talking about. Sometimes it’s a whole, that’s just really hard to crawl out of, and that’s kind of where i’m at right now. So thank you very much for your patience. I appreciate and love you guys and i’ll, be back, probably within a day or two to start making normal videos again because well you know we have launches coming up, and so i need to make those and get my together so um peace out i’ll see you Guys back here on the channel, hopefully in a better state, so take care and god bless .